Killer .

The PMS reference was like ROTFLMAO .

Or me at least… Well… to be honest, I do it sometimes, rarely, but…

Intru intr-un hypermarket sa ma uit de anvelope. Fara sa stau prea mult pe ganduri si pentru ca eram grabit si nu mai stiam in ce directie e una-alta pe la ei, ma adresez primei angajate pe care o intalnesc – o don’soara care aranja niste marfa. Cu mult sictir. Aranja marfa.

- Buna seara, imi puteti spune unde aveti anvelope(le) ?

Cu mult sictir. Ea mi-a raspuns.

- La autooo…

Phew… what a relief! Eram gata gata sa le caut la mezeluri… Die, stupid cunt!

De pe net…

1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… So, I took her to a gas station…

And then the fight started…

2. My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started…

3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me”. And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too”.

And then the fight started…

4. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And then the fight started…

5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

6. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!” So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…

7. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

8. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”

And then the fight started…

BEFORE MARRIAGE

John - Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?
John - NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kiss me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes.
Jane - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE

Read from the bottom back to the top.

(Again pentru ca mai am un titlu identic aici).

Dupa cum am zis si aici, quite a while ago, vine si ciresica de pe tort

Nu stiam ca toti prietenii mei sunt pe Neogen. De fapt nici nu mai stiam ca am cont la ei. Asa cum nu stiam nici ca “Divolita” si “Oanna5″ sunt prietenele mele. Probabil ca atunci cand mi-am facut contul la ei, ele se jucau inca cu puta in nisip. Si Elena-half-faced este prietena mea se pare. Iar ele au INTOTDEAUNA ceva de spus. Distractia e pe Neogen? Sa mori tu! De fapt… poza vorbeste de la sine.

“Pe Neogen se intampla mereu lucruri interesante iar prietenii tai te asteapta sa vezi ce au mai facut in ultima vreme. Fii cool!” – “You ain’t cool! You’re fucking chilly… and chilly ain’t never been cool!”

PS: eu sunt “Red”.

La mare am dat intr-o zi (in doua chiar) peste o… printesa. Era inevitabil sa nu dau si peste asa ceva, din moment ce exista multe. Adica nu am lovit-o sau ceva de genul asta, pentru ca eu nu m-am dus cu masina pe plaja, ca altii, chiar daca exista un “drum” din statiune pana langa apa, ci am… intalnit-o, sau mai bine zis vazut-o acolo…

Era genul acela… foarte mandra si importanta, pentru ca arata bine (si i se suise la cap). La inceput si-a facut aparitia tantos: ochelari de soare cu rama roz (roz rama) si in forma de inimioare, costum de baie in doua piese – slip galben si top negru pe care scria “…not touch me”, un snur (tot) roz la mana (roz snurul) din ala tip Bestfest, corp misto si piele faina, deja destul de bronzata, si unghiile de la picioare date cu oja (ghiciti ce culoare… yep). Aspectul initial si faptul ca pe langa ea mai erau si niste copii… asa, pana in vreo 12-13 ani, pe care din cand in cand ii punea sa ii faca poze cu telefonu-i TOT roz (rozi si telefonul, na!) si cu display mare (beats me, dunno the model) in ipostaze demne de un photo session penibil de tip haifaiv, m-au facut sa cred ca e rost de puscarie un pic… iarta-ma, Gizas, ca am pacatuit doar cu gandul. Apoi si-a dat jos ochelarii de sub care au iesit doi ochisori si niste gene facute cu rimel, pentru ca nu-i asa, la plaja vii cu ochii facuti, si am inceput sa o suspectez ca nu mai e minora. S-a dus apoi in apa, cu grija, sa nu isi ude parul prins intr-o… bucata de panza galbena, si s-a pus pe o saltea a unor prieteni sau asa ceva, aratandu-mi gratios dragalasul ei fundulet cu snur in cur. A iesit din apa apoi, aratandu-mi de data asta de aproape si ce… suflet frumos are, dar, dupa cum am zis mai sus, era “not to be touched”, si s-a intors pe plaja la locul ei unde mai erau inca doua femei, una din ele fiind mamicuta ei, presupun, cu care vorbea de genul “Tu, fata”, pe un ton si o voce foarte afectate, care ar face-o invidioasa pana si pe Mirela Zeta cand o interpreteaza pe Oana Zavoranu, si s-a asejat la soare. S-a asezat sa faca plaja topless, pe spate (ca daca era pe burta chiar ca nu mai conta) si atunci i-am vazut si jumatatile de sufletel expuse, insa m-a cuprins o usoara dezamagire cand jumatatile nu tocmai ferme au plecat fiecare in partea ei, parca fara nici un regret.

Don’t worry, girl, esti “buna” si barbatii “te place”, indiferent de cat de pitzi esti, iar pentru unii, cu cat mai mult cu atat mai bine chiar. Si eu m-am oprit cu obiectivul aparatului asupra ta de cateva ori, si mi-a placut ce am vazut si pozat, insa, tin sa te dezamagesc, preferata mea nu ai fost tu, ci printesa asta blonda, in blana de leopard si deosebit de evlavioasa, care, spre deosebire de tine, mai avea putin si vorbea simultan la ambele telefoane, din apa marii. Mijto si cul di tat, nu-i asa? Hai, pa, tu fata, poop dulcik si tea-m lasat!